Reluctantly Crouched at the Starting Line

I was in a relationship for one whole year and boy do I have a ton to show for it.

An extremely widened music library. A newfound tolerance and respect for people with different views. A better approach to my family. A boost of self-confidence. A desire to know more about the simple things around me. An inspiration to be passionate about something. And of course, thousands of memories I will cherish forever. Being in love is one of the most amazing feelings ever. And although caring for someone to that degree sometimes hurts, I couldn’t imagine caring any less.

It’s funny the things that you miss.

As one would expect, I miss the obvious things such as the hugs, the kisses, the texting conversations, the laughter…such universal experiences yet so personal to each couple. I miss cooking meals together then looking up funny racing horse names as we ate. I miss leaning on his shoulder while we drove around and listened to Counting Crows. I miss leaving my jacket in my locker just so I could wear his, and I miss Mary calling me a dork for it (hehe). I miss the way his voice sounded when he tried to comfort me or calm me down. I miss the way his smile looked right after we kissed and the way he always smelled amazing. I miss the silent understanding we had concerning our attraction toward one another, although maybe I didn’t tell him how handsome he is enough.

It’s easy to look back on all the romantic times. I miss holding hands while walking and the times he was so sweet to me I could die, but I think the things I miss the most are the things that sometimes annoyed me. I miss him leaning too far over his plate to eat. I miss him singing along loudly so that I almost couldn’t hear the original artist’s voice, especially at concerts. I miss the way he would get so competitive, even against kids that were less than half his age. I miss the way he knew way more about a band than I ever cared to know.I miss getting lost in his car because he “knew where he was going”. I miss him googling every question that popped into his mind and the competition we had about who was right. It was usually me…. Just kidding ;) I miss his weird obsession with cats. I miss the dumb things he put on his Facebook. I miss his loud, exasperated groan my best friend and I had a nickname for. I miss the way he would concentrate so hard on any sort of art, you couldn’t pull him away from it. I miss the way I could see him physically try to calm himself down when I frustrated him. I miss all the expressions of his face.

Love makes all of these quirks endearing…all of the mannerisms and ways of functioning turn into another reason to love them. They seem personal, a part of you just as much as they are a part of them. I am lucky to have felt this way. And I know it will never go away. He is a character I will care about for the rest of my life. And I am always wishing him well, no matter what. He made me laugh and cry…he made me feel more than I have ever felt. And maybe I want him back. And maybe I don’t. All I know is that I miss him. And that the history of these memories won’t be rewritten, for it was one of the best years of my life.